A lot of my thoughts recently have centered around my own stubborn slothfulness, which I refer to as my very strong tendency to be lazy. I've carried this trait with me for a while now. I've even fostered it and encouraged it many times throughout my life. My wise and forthright mother has mentioned to me once or twice, "Brian, even as a child you always put the most effort into getting out of work." Perhaps I enjoyed the challenge of devising some creative plan or some brilliant scheme for getting out of my chores, responsibilities, etc. I really can't say for sure how it happened. All I know is that this characteristic has plagued me - repeatedly and victoriously - for far too long. It bothers me because it impedes my progress toward many worthwhile goals.
Yesterday was a full day of cardiology exams. I have had six full weeks to learn the material and prepare for these tests. The formula for success in medical school is similar to the formula for success in most aspects of life. Personal desire, setting goals, prioritizing, budgeting time, and most importantly, making a consistent and sincere effort (sincere, in this case, meaning free from excuse-making and rationalization). Every time exams come around, I am painfully reminded of where I fall short. It's never in the desire or goal-setting areas. It's always in the areas of hard work and personal effort. Flashback to another mom memory. Standing before her sometime during high school, I listen as she expresses deep disappointment in my choices and my behavior with the simple words "you're choosing to be less than you are, and to do less than you're capable of." Those needed words still resonate in my heart with singeing, convicting power. And that's exactly why my own slothfulness gets under my skin and upsets me so much. It stands between my current level of effort and the level I know I'm capable of reaching.
I know this weakness played a role in my decision to leave dental school. It was not the only factor, but it definitely played a part. When I started my new program here in Arizona, I felt confident that these issues were all behind me. But the only things that really changed were external. I failed to adequately face the issue within myself. Thinking about this, I remembered a passage from The Miracle of Forgiveness. It's about divorce, not academic programs, but its truthful principles came back so forcibly to my mind and heart. President Kimball is quoting here from a letter he wrote to a young couple, and I've highlighted all the parts that stand out to me.
"The escapist never escapes. If two people, selfish and self-centered, and without the spirit of forgiveness, escape from each other, they cannot escape from themselves. The disease is not cured by the separation or the divorce, and it will most assuredly follow along in the wake of future marriages. The cause must be removed. Being young, both of you are likely to marry again. Each of you is likely to carry into the next marriage all the weaknesses and sins and errors you have now, unless you repent and transform. And if you will change your life for a new spouse, why not for the present one? ...
Now, my beloved friends ... the matter is in your hands - you may do as you please, but I warn you that the trouble is deeper than you realize, and not easily resolved by divorce. And I warn you also that, either separated or living together, you will be damaged and cankered and poisoned and dwarfed by bitterness and hatreds and loathings. The first need is to master yourselves."
Just before bed last night, I finished my reading of Alma, chapter 37. Sixteen words jumped out at me from the beginning of verse 36.
O my son, do not let us be slothful because of the easiness of the way
The Lord understands human nature more than any human. When a solution to a personal problem or an answer to a perplexing question is staring one right in the face - obvious, reachable, even easy - that is when the temptation to be lazy can often be the greatest (at least for me). I know what I need to do to succeed in medical school and to reach graduation with little to no regrets. The choices I need to make are simple, straightforward, attainable, and in every way very easy. "It's so easy I can safely put it off for a while," I think to myself. Or I'm tempted to believe the solution is so easy I can approach it with merely a halfhearted effort. What ends up happening? Test day arrives. Procrastination has once again trumped preparation. And the halfhearted approach is found to be severely lacking. The verse quoted above reminded me of another concise but powerful scripture, coincidentally located in the same chapter, verse 6.
Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass
Greatness and "great things" are well within reach if I'm willing to sacrifice my persistent laziness and get to work doing the mercifully small, simple, and easy things. I'm confident that with the Savior's help I will eventually overcome what Nephi aptly called "the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me."
